Silent Whispers...

Monday, August 14, 2006

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I've been in such a bad mood lately. I mean I can't complain with some things but this weekend has turned me slightly bitter and pretty stressed out overall. I just feel worthless all of a sudden and I just can't shake the feeling no matter how hard I try.

think I am meant to pretty much be single for a while. All signs point to it. All I seem to attrach are douche bags that all their intentions are is to use me to buy some time. Wait until something "better" comes along and drop me as fast as they picked me up. I'm sick of it.
I believe that I'm a good person. I work at a dialysis clinic helping people. That is how I am... I just like to help. I don't know where I'm going with this really. I guess I'm just turning bitter slowly. I have not found one time that I have opened my heart up that that person did not pretty much make me feel like I'm nothing.
have the amazing love of my friends that gets me through everything... But lately I've been doing this alone. I'm not worrying anyone and I will be stronger in the end. I guess I just don't want to date until I can see that they are true with their words and actions.
All I want to do now Is curl up on my bed and not wake up for a while.. Just to let the world pass by for a while. And hope when I wake that there will be someone waiting for me. I'm not implying that I *need* someone or else my life falls apart... I'm just saying that just having that person there to hold your hand during a cold walk in winter... Or to share in the excitment of a promotion...Or just to be there for your crutch in hard times.... Just makes life a little easier sometimes.
But I guess that is not for me.. and will never be. I hate very few people but there are those that I will never forgive...

I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I'm not going to be a person's pawn to play with. I'm done with games and the childish acts. I want someone who is real and has the love that I seek. I always seem to find that "god-sent" person and they always let me down.
As a friend once wrote in his blog... " All that glitters is not gold. You can find something shiny in the trash, but guess what? It's still trash..." But I guess I will be continued to be use due to my extremely forgiving and naive nature. I guess a nice guy is only used as a floor mat. So I guess all I can say is step up and have your shot at walking all over me...

Softly Whispered at...|4:51 PM|

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

______________________________

My Friend Satya sent me a couple of poems that she wrote and I wanted to share them with you guys because I really enjoyed them. Satya is simply an amazing person in many aspects. She has a glowing personality and is simply irresistible. I cherish the times I have had with her and look forward to more in the future. I remember during one of her visits, we went out to pizza and were walking around and somehow we ended up dancing like idiots on the sidewalk near Rao's Cafe. She will forever be my hedgehog no matter how long her hair gets. :-)

let's take another wreck
don't worry,
I was wearing my seatbelt.
there was an airbag too
but it exploded in my face
and broke my neck.

so let me say goodbye

just mark another tick on the list of sins
leave your number tag in the bin
by my front door
and let me say goodbye

it took forever to get here
cause you remember
the first car you totaled
in a ditch, and flying out
do you remember?
I do. I've wrecked a couple
and now, just as I found momentum
a massive tree found its place
in front of your face

just let me fucking say goodbye
I'm around, peripherally
you know that
but I'm backing away
screw this wreck, I don't want it
I'm sure I'll find another
but don't worry,
I'm wearing my seatbelt
and now that you taught me a thing or two,
(I'm backing away)
I'm staying away from the damn gas pedal.

Look out, I'm not going down
This is me not breaking my heart
On you. Thanks for your time,
It was wonderful. Now I see
You cannot rip the skin from a snake
The snake must molt the skin;
That's the rate it happens in.
So I'm done investing energy
On trying to make this faster
Than it is.

Expectations are the root of grief
I wish you'd never expected anything of me
I wish the picture you'd painted of me
Hadn't crashed in your face
Leaving you no space
I wish I'd never expected anything of you
I see the crash now,
But don't think it means I love you less

I'm not breaking my heart on you
I'm not pushing anymore.

I refuse to sit in wait
Anxious and in a state of confusion
for you. Not my style, a strange slip
For a moment, I was tangled
But steady in my self, the anger lifted
As I recall: anger is just love
And you are the mirror
I needed.

She is simply an incredible person. No other way to describe her. Here is a wonderful little picture of my Satya during her last visit. I mean c'mon, who couldn't love that smiling face.

^My wonderful Satya

Well, I shall be off for the evening. Good night to all and hope to hear from you guys.

Softly Whispered at...|11:49 PM|

Monday, April 17, 2006

______________________________

I went to go park my car today and walking back I realized how beautiful all the blossoming trees are. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I felt at ease. I've been having a pretty shitty weekend and just admiring the beauty made me feel good inside. I snapped a few pictures with my palm pilot as I was walking. (Shown Below) I went to Amherst College with Shana on Thursday to pick up some Guster Tickets and that campus is simply amazing. Their tuition may be extremely high but the money is well reflected in the overall campus atmoshpere. When you compare the beauty to cost ratio of both UMASS and other area colleges, I think UMASS does a pretty good job at making this campus look its best.

^ My Favorite Picture.

^The UMASS Campus is actually quite beautiful for the price of the tuition.

^I love how beautiful the tress are.

Well, I should be off to do other things. Leave some love on the tagboard and hope to hear from you soon.

Softly Whispered at...|2:08 PM|

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

______________________________

Take away,
These hands of darkness.
Reaching for my soul.
Now, the cold wind,
blows out my candles.
Feeling,
only fear,
without any hope.

A thousand dark moons.
A thousand winters long.
A million fallen stars,
the candle burns in the womb.

We try not to forget,
they live through us.
Slowly they die away at every candle's end

I recently came across this song and I somehow couldn't stop listening to it. I just like the idea of life being viewed as a candle. The wax being what little life we actually can live and the flame we have is extremely sensitive. All we can do is try to protect the flame we carry from the drafty world. Keep the light burning strong and never give up. Never give up the hope of carrying on...

As we age and gain more knowledge, the world seems harder to deal with. What would you give to have the carefree days at grandma's? Running around the front lawn on a sunny day with a endless supply of cookies and milk, numerous toys to keep yourself entertained for hours, and the constant feeling of being wanted and loved.

Always lived my life alone,
been searching for a place called home.
I know that I been cold as ice,
ignored the dreams, to many lies.
Some where deep inside,
some where deep inside me,
I found the child I used to be
and I know thats it not to late
never to late...

Softly Whispered at...|7:16 PM|

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

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Technically, I'm supposed to be writing a paper for my education class about how we are all each other's judges. Instead, I'm updating my blog while eating Kashi Go Lean Crunch. Somehow eating Kashi as dinner is balancing off the tri colored tortellini and Maui Mango smoothie I had for lunch. I apologize in advance if this entry makes little to no sense. I'm running off of very little sleep and had an eight AM Inorganic Lab this morning. Oh and the fun of the lab was oh...so...joyous. We had two things to do today, the first step was meant to be quick and easy while the second one was longer and harder. The first step was meant to synthesize hydrogen salen which is a bright to golden yellow color crystal. My first try ended up turning the solution a deep brown color and my second try seemed a little better except for when I went to cool it. When it hit the ice bath the stupid sample crushed over in that damn brown color. The TA told me to just borrow from someone else and move onto the second part. This part was air sensitive and there was only one Nitrogen gas line. It took forever to get the conditions you need to run the reflux. After you finally got the nitrogen gas in the reflux chamber it had to sit there for approximately an hour until the color changed. Oddly enough...with all my shitty luck I got a really good yield of Colbalt(II) Salen which makes me feel better. Bad thing is that the lab took more than the three hour slot and I missed my class after it. I would have been more than 30 mins late for it. I wasn't happy, but whatever. But it seems like the sun has finally begun to come out on my life. Things are getting better and I'm overall just really content with things. All the pieces that were missing not too long ago are coming together and I couldn't be happier. I made Tiffany feel better today which in turn makes me feel better. (Since Tiff and I are Married and all....I mean if your wife is not happy, that means no sex....and that's bad.) I think I've managed to burn some time and I should get back to writing that paper. Talk to you all later.

Softly Whispered at...|11:09 PM|